By Brennan Costello (B.A. Candidate, May, 2025, Bio-Psychology, TCNJ)

And Kevin Costello

An increasing number of people are comfortable seeking treatment and accommodation for neuro-diversity. If we’re going to continue to grow up as a culture, matching our actions to our stated values and aspirations, we need to continue to evolve how we communicate, how we teach, how we advocate, and how we learn.

Trial Lawyers are in the daily business of doing all of these things. So I asked our son Brennan, who’s been comfortable with his own Dx of Asperger’s since elementary school, and who aspires to work in clinical neuropsychology as a calling, to share his thoughts on how we might better communicate with our Spectrum clients.

The below is all him, with a final word from me.

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 Autism, first formally diagnosed in Donald Triplett in 1943, continues to be increasingly diagnosed around the world. In the U.S., about 1 in 36 children are diagnosed. Yet while four times more likely to be diagnosed in boys (about 1 in 25), autism continues to manifest in girls at an increasing rate (about 1 in 100, at present). All ethnic and economic populations encounter autism.

 Despite autism’s commonality, however, some may find it difficult to communicate with us. Perhaps they don’t understand how autism really manifests for us. That’s certainly understandable, since the diversity of people challenged by autism means that in no two people will it operate in precisely the same way.

 I’ve been told that trial lawyers love “Top X” lists, so here are my “Top Five Things to Remember When Communicating with Neuro-diverse People.”

ONE: “LOOK ME IN THE EYE.” If an autistic individual is not making eye contact with you during conversation, this isn’t indicative of disrespect or disinterest. A common symptom of autism is that many of us have trouble making direct eye contact with others. There’s a significant feeling of underlying discomfort eye contact can cause; which can, ironically, hamper the accurate processing of what we’re being told. Effective conversation with someone who has this issue, therefore, might involve asking them a question such as “Did you get all of that?” rather than assuming that eye contact is the primary measure of our focus. It’s a better way of confirming that they’re engaged without making them feel like a failure because they can’t “look you in the eye.”

TWO: AUTISM HITS UNIQUELY. The autism spectrum isn’t linear. Rather, it’s like a pie chart with different cognitive, perception, social and processing skills. Every autistic individual has unique atypicality in these areas. Over-simplifications such as “high-functioning” and “low-functioning” have more recently yielded to terms such as “high support needs” and “low support needs,” which acknowledge that every autistic person may need differing types and degrees of support in specific areas. The tip here is that we’re as diverse as everyone else, and one size will not fit all, in communicating with us.

THREE: CONTRADICTORY STEREOTYPES. Most people still embrace two mutually contradictory stereotypes: that all autistic folks possess either a “savant” level intellect or are debilitatingly unintelligent. The reality is that the great majority of us fall into the same developmental and intellectual spaces as our fellow humans; we just express our traits differently. The best starting place with us, therefore, is where you start with everyone else, and then adjust from there.

FOUR: AUTISM IS NOT A DISEASE. Many see having autism as tantamount to having a terminal illness, when in reality it just entails the brain being wired differently than for a more neurotypical person. Autistic people often struggle with discrimination and isolation due to the stigmas attached to the disorder, so approaching it as a sickness will often cause those negative feelings to resurface, interfering with effective communication.

FIVE: OUR FEELINGS ARE YOUR FEELINGS. Autistic people feel just as often and as deeply as everyone else. “Vulcan” and Big Bang “Sheldon” stereotypes which portray us as unfeeling and robotic couldn’t be further from our truth. Autism doesn’t prevent us from feeling joy, sadness, anger or love. Oftentimes, however, an autistic person can experience these feelings with great intensity because we can sometimes find difficulty in expressing them. A good rule of thumb would therefore be to assume that if you’d feel a certain way, we likely would, too.

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Kevin, again. We represent, counsel and interact with people on the Spectrum all the time. A decent proportion of us are on it, somewhere. Our judges, Court workers, witnesses, experts, colleagues, employees, clients and jurors are, in the same proportion, challenged by autism.

As with all challenges, however, meeting them yields wisdom and strength. This is one more way we can all be a help to one another, and to the communities we serve.

Kevin M. Costello, Esq. is a past President of NJAJ and is a present Chair of the NJAJ Diversity, Equity & Inclusion Committee. He is a founding Member of Costello, Mains & Silverman, LLC, a full-state Employment, Complex Personal Injury, School Bullying, Worker's Compensation and Civil Rights trial firm in Mount Laurel. Kevin can be reached at kcostello@costellomains.com or (855) 408-6750.